FORGIVENESS FOR SANFORD? FROM A LOWCOUNTRY MARRIAGE COUNSELOR 

Forgiveness - what does it mean? Is it merely accepting the fact that we are all sinners and so just overlook things on the record of a person no matter how destructive? If it were only that easy. Should we tell Jenny Sanford that she just "forgive" Mark and reinstall him as her husband even though Mark has revealed very little, if any, change of emotional devotion to his mistress from Argentina - now his fiance? 

Forgiveness is costly and granted, not automatic and expected. It is granted on the basis of true contrition. Look at Psalm 51:17 for how God decides who to forgive. Mark's rebid for another chance in the public spotlight after no proof of contrition toward the one on earth whom he hurt the most - Jenny, reveals his conscience has not come to terms with the gravity of his sin. Last night's debate was a perfect example saying, "We all make mistakes" and "some make mistakes in this and some in that". His conscience does not want to see this "failure" as different than many other "mistakes" that we all make - this was adultery, lying, stealing tax-payer money, etc. but everybody does that, so "forgive" me and reinstall me publicly? In fact, in other interviews Mark justifies his sin by saying he would die "knowing that I had met my soul mate". 

I have counseled many men caught in adultery who look at their mistress in the same way using the exact same terms as Mark, "She is my soulmate how could I leave her." Let me tell you, such a devaluing statement does not help the offended wife feel like her cheating husband is contrite and sorry. Yet Mark can make this statement with tears in his eyes making the feeling-oriented voters in South Carolina think Mark is contrite. "Forget what he is saying, look at his eyes!" Well, in the real world of relationships, tears or no tears, such rationalization may make voters reconcile and "forgive" but they don't motivate the wife to forgive and start trying to trust again. Only men that work hard at removing such conscience-deadening rationalizations and minimizing statements and replace it with true contrition win their spouse back. Apart from such true contrition a person dealing with a moral failure like adultery will spend their life running from the only thing that can restore - humility that begets grace. 

Some men instead of contrition will run to others and achievement after failure to make them feel better. Indeed, a win on April 2 will help quiet Mark's conscience - we call this compensation - "vote for me, I was a good Governor even if I did do this small thing, I will do more good." But after adultery, a person's conscience needs to accept the gravity of sin if the person's conscience is going to be rebuilt instead of silenced. The adulterer must turn from rationalizing, minimizing and compensating by achievement and instead, through contrition of mind start rebuilding life and trust with the broken relationships he has caused. 

If i ever had the opportunity, I would, as one sinner to another, help Mark find what I found after my moral failures, God can rebuild a contrite heart, but we must turn from rationalizations, minimizations, and attempted achievements to compensate for failure. It is true that Mark risks losing the election if he revealed the same kind of public contrition King David had after his adultery with Bathsheba (see Psalm 51), but it would propel him to far greater victories in life and relationships than mere US Congressional Seat 1. I thank God and give first hand testimony to this in my own life.

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